Last of 2012.

I never enjoyed december, because it signifies an end. I never enjoy endings because it always makes me feel empty. But this year, i am grateful for December because for once the loneliness inside me faded. I know i was missing my friends, a lot. The irony is that i am actually meeting someone each day that i hardly have time to breathe myself.

This is definitely not a great year simply because there were so many ups and downs. I lost a friend, grew closer to some friends, made a couple of new friends and still glad that i maintain many friendships.

 The year had been a harsh one, challenging my relationship with L. But i am thankful that we are still here.

This year marks my 21st. In a couple of hours time, i will be 22nd. This is another year closer to my dream. I am not exactly looking forward to a new year but i know this is a little step closer, with a leap of faith.

Childhood

This topic came to my mind every now and then because one of my relative made some unpleasant remark about me. The first thing that came to my mind was,"You don't know me.".

I know childhood is supposed to be the greatest time anyone in their life would have, or most people would have. But i beg to differ. I was the youngest. (okay fine i lied. Second youngest. But that didn't make any difference to make because i abhor the youngest.) Life was great because i used to get all the attention. But it waned when i started schooling, yes at 4 years old. I was placed in care under my aunt. It was a new environment to me, new place and new faces. I didn't like it even though my sister was with me. My cousins didn't bother to look at me since we had quite a couple of age gap. In their eyes i was only my sister's sister. I was nothing, or at least this is what they made me feel even up till now. I did what they want me to. I listen to them because this is not my home. I don't really have a say. I don't have toys. I played toys they no longer want and wore clothes they had grown out of.

I wanted to have long hair but i was forbid to, by everyone around me. I cried all the time when i was forced to cut my hair. I wanted to eat snacks like chips but all i can eat was kuey. Whenever i saw my aunt bringing new toys from the market, my cousin will snatch from me. All the time. I was never allowed to go out and all i do everyday was to watch TV programs. My cousins were loud and they always make a big fuss out of minor issues. I was very afraid of them. I didn't even have the guts to fend for myself. Throughout the 5 years there, i tried to fit in but i never once felt accepted even though i had done according to their bidding.

Finally i had a chance to break free. I was ecstatic because i knew i can finally do anything i want. But it was times like this i felt lonely. Because my parents are working and my sister spent quite a considerable amount of time in school. I find myself talking to myself. Eventually i stopped being chatty. I started cooking instant noodles everyday to eat. Simply because i had low morale and didn't dared to order any food. I was fat and in turf club. I am afraid how people see me. I like to seek refuge at home or anywhere nobody will notice me. Instant noodles were nice until i realised i stopped growing because i eat them everyday. I remembered there was once my friend's mum took pity in me and asked me over for lunch. I was very thankful and even remembered what i had until that day.

Love was the last memory i had in my childhood from people i know.

I was often sick when i was younger and the only form of care i genuinely felt was from doctors' visit. That's probably how i got my aspiration from. I had been hurt, left uncared and unwanted but i am not beaten. No i don't succumb to life.

I entered secondary school, thinking life will be better. But no. I made friends with the wrong group of people and all i could remember was terrible memories of my lower secondary school days. (No i am not saying they are nasty people FYI) I tried to fit in but i could not. I was not popular with them. It's not that they hate me. It's just that our personalities clashed. I was not funny and not chatty. But whenever i had something to speak, nobody really listens or else in the midst of the conversation they will simply drift away. I felt really minute and life sucks. It was only when i entered upper secondary i managed to break free. I got new friends who were my classmates then. They had accepted me for who i am, genuinely listens to me and let me be a part of them. I never once attempt to fit in with them and yes, i had made numerous attempts to distant away from my previous group of friends who never let me feel accepted. However, eventually i distant away from my upper secondary classmates because they all chose to turn to some religion.

I am not saying this because i am trying to wallow in self-pity and definitely these memories are nothing good that i be glad to reminisce about. I am blogging about this because these are the incidences in my life that shape me who i am now. I grew up in an environment full of self-fish people and i was independent since 9. For years i was trying to fit in and i swear that was the hardest part of my life. That's because no matter how hard i tried, i still wasn't accepted and that crushed me. Of course there were friends who made my life better at that point of time. I am very grateful for their presence even up to now.

Eventually i became who i am now, sometimes i would see myself as an extremist. Having hurt since young, i could not stand any form of weakness now. I frown at weaklings. I pity those people who refused or are afraid to express themselves. I say things or do things without sparing a thought for others sometimes. If you are reading this and happened to feel this way too. I would like to apologize.But then i was not entirely that nasty all the time, if you know me. :3

To end this post, i would like to say I am really done with fucking trying to fit in.

Materialistic

Someone told me," If you're too focused on the materialistic things in life, you will never be happy."

Being Materialistic makes me happy.

& i don't see what's wrong with being materialistic. A lot of things in life are just socially acceptable or not. There isn't really a right or wrong, or at least to me. (Other than the part on inflicting pain on someone)

I like goals and plans in life. I like to ask what are we doing next? What's the plan? I like the process of making small steps to my goals. It's just like i put my eyes on some materialistic stuff which i eventually got through my hardwork, i am happy.

& that's sufficient. I am happy.

I frankly think such drive is better than people who works and eat all day and nothing else. Life will be so boring without such spices.

then again, Levonteo never listens to anyone else.

Life as it is.

It has been more than a year since i started studying at PSB. Frankly speaking, I didn't really like life as it is now.

I go to work, I go to school. I meet some friends and grew even closer to some of my colleagues. But I am not satisfied. Really.

I eat alone often. i travel alone often. I laugh to myself often. I get lonely often.

I can hardly meet my friends as often because they are equally caught up with their life. So i treasure every second i have with my friends and i appreciate that they fork out time as well.

I am looking forward to the future. I know where i want to be and i will definitely be regardless of how much time, effort and money will take me. I will be.

yeah right

I had enough of you too. I'm sick of taking stooping low and take your shit. You talk to me when you need me and ignored my presence when i tried to talk to you. What the fuck do you take me for? Stop acting like you're the righteous one all the time.

You just refuse to see when you are wrong. Best of all? You never once fucking bother to apologize. WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

I can't be bothered as well. Joke.

i'm not responsible. But why am i always the one taking the blame?

Change.

I've changed, for you.

Sometimes i just feel so pathetic. Where was the egoistic and arrogant attitude of mine?

I'm disappointed in you, yes i am.
But i love you.

I had a talk with mumsy a couple of days ago that started with money issue. Then she asked me what's my plan for the future.
I can clearly tell you how i am going to do it. Although i am still sometimes uncertain of my capabilities but i will do it.

Because i know, i want to make her proud of me too.

When my strength was gone, and I just gave up on life
In my darkest place you were my guide
And you told me that I should live my life to the limit
When you fall down get back up and fight
Well the shape of my heart don’t lie
I’m determined when you trust in me
It's all I need

Now I’m hoping, if you hear this
You believe that all that I do is to make you proud
Make me stronger, so that I rise up
Made my mind up
So that all that I do is to make you proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
All that I do is to make you proud

I never gave up then cause you said keep hope alive
The champion gives one last try
Said I deserve the best in life
I should be winning
Gotta spread your wings and prepare to fly
Well the shape of my heart don’t lie
I’m determined with your faith in me
To make you see

Now I’m hoping, if you hear this
You believe that all that I do is to make you proud
Make me stronger, so that I rise up
Made my mind up
All that I do is to make you proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
All that I do is to make you proud

Nobody can tell me they were there for me
Before you came around
There was pain in every heart beat
But eventually you built my reserve to be strong

Now I’m hoping, if you hear this
You believe that all that I do is to make you proud
 Now I’m hoping, if you hear this
You believe that all that I do is to make you proud
Make me stronger, so that I rise up
Made my mind up
All that I do is to make you proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
All that I do is to make you proud
 Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
Proud, proud, make you proud, proud
All that I do is to make you proud

Hi C

This post is for you but you'll probably not see it cause you probably didn't know the existence of this blog,

So we met up today. There were a tinge of awkwardness perhaps but i thought that was alright since we haven't met for slightly past a year? You are the one speaking, like always and i am always the one listening no doubt.

I am grateful that you had gotten over those horrendous period and moved on with life buoyantly. Utmostly, her existence will bring back the mirthful you i used to know.


As from now, i can finally lift the heavy heart of mine. :)

Sometimes, i wished someone would throw me a party. A real party.

Me

Sometimes I wonder how did I become such extremist...

what it takes

It's not that i choose to be dubious but i need the result to assure myself. I can choose to be optimistic but that doesn't prove anything. I'm not giving up, fret not. I'm just... losing faith in myself. 

I tried my best in whatever i can and yet this is the outcome i deserved. Tell me what should i do? Do i really have what it takes? 

 I say (1:01 AM):
*later she poison your food
*HAHAHAH
*=x
He say (1:01 AM):
*okay
*so now must be undercover
I say (1:01 AM):
*LOL
*YES
He says (1:01 AM):
*must do whatever it takes
*to get your hand
*once you're mine
I say (1:02 AM):
*HGAHAHAHAHAHAH
He says (1:02 AM):
*then okay
*can let out my ail
*tail*
I say (1:02 AM):
*SCHEMING
*(Y)
He says (1:02 AM):
*yes
I say (1:02 AM):
*HAHAHHAA
*dear you're so cute
He says (1:02 AM):
*i do whatever it takes to protect u
*from the forces of evil

a couple of days ago...
He says: 我又没有催你! (I'm not rushing you!)
Then he started to *blow and blow*

haha. Why is my boy so cute? Doesn't matter. I love. :D