31 December 2012

Last of 2012.

I never enjoyed december, because it signifies an end. I never enjoy endings because it always makes me feel empty. But this year, i am grateful for December because for once the loneliness inside me faded. I know i was missing my friends, a lot. The irony is that i am actually meeting someone each day that i hardly have time to breathe myself.

This is definitely not a great year simply because there were so many ups and downs. I lost a friend, grew closer to some friends, made a couple of new friends and still glad that i maintain many friendships.

 The year had been a harsh one, challenging my relationship with L. But i am thankful that we are still here.

This year marks my 21st. In a couple of hours time, i will be 22nd. This is another year closer to my dream. I am not exactly looking forward to a new year but i know this is a little step closer, with a leap of faith.

16 December 2012

Childhood

This topic came to my mind every now and then because one of my relative made some unpleasant remark about me. The first thing that came to my mind was,"You don't know me.".

I know childhood is supposed to be the greatest time anyone in their life would have, or most people would have. But i beg to differ. I was the youngest. (okay fine i lied. Second youngest. But that didn't make any difference to make because i abhor the youngest.) Life was great because i used to get all the attention. But it waned when i started schooling, yes at 4 years old. I was placed in care under my aunt. It was a new environment to me, new place and new faces. I didn't like it even though my sister was with me. My cousins didn't bother to look at me since we had quite a couple of age gap. In their eyes i was only my sister's sister. I was nothing, or at least this is what they made me feel even up till now. I did what they want me to. I listen to them because this is not my home. I don't really have a say. I don't have toys. I played toys they no longer want and wore clothes they had grown out of.

I wanted to have long hair but i was forbid to, by everyone around me. I cried all the time when i was forced to cut my hair. I wanted to eat snacks like chips but all i can eat was kuey. Whenever i saw my aunt bringing new toys from the market, my cousin will snatch from me. All the time. I was never allowed to go out and all i do everyday was to watch TV programs. My cousins were loud and they always make a big fuss out of minor issues. I was very afraid of them. I didn't even have the guts to fend for myself. Throughout the 5 years there, i tried to fit in but i never once felt accepted even though i had done according to their bidding.

Finally i had a chance to break free. I was ecstatic because i knew i can finally do anything i want. But it was times like this i felt lonely. Because my parents are working and my sister spent quite a considerable amount of time in school. I find myself talking to myself. Eventually i stopped being chatty. I started cooking instant noodles everyday to eat. Simply because i had low morale and didn't dared to order any food. I was fat and in turf club. I am afraid how people see me. I like to seek refuge at home or anywhere nobody will notice me. Instant noodles were nice until i realised i stopped growing because i eat them everyday. I remembered there was once my friend's mum took pity in me and asked me over for lunch. I was very thankful and even remembered what i had until that day.

Love was the last memory i had in my childhood from people i know.

I was often sick when i was younger and the only form of care i genuinely felt was from doctors' visit. That's probably how i got my aspiration from. I had been hurt, left uncared and unwanted but i am not beaten. No i don't succumb to life.

I entered secondary school, thinking life will be better. But no. I made friends with the wrong group of people and all i could remember was terrible memories of my lower secondary school days. (No i am not saying they are nasty people FYI) I tried to fit in but i could not. I was not popular with them. It's not that they hate me. It's just that our personalities clashed. I was not funny and not chatty. But whenever i had something to speak, nobody really listens or else in the midst of the conversation they will simply drift away. I felt really minute and life sucks. It was only when i entered upper secondary i managed to break free. I got new friends who were my classmates then. They had accepted me for who i am, genuinely listens to me and let me be a part of them. I never once attempt to fit in with them and yes, i had made numerous attempts to distant away from my previous group of friends who never let me feel accepted. However, eventually i distant away from my upper secondary classmates because they all chose to turn to some religion.

I am not saying this because i am trying to wallow in self-pity and definitely these memories are nothing good that i be glad to reminisce about. I am blogging about this because these are the incidences in my life that shape me who i am now. I grew up in an environment full of self-fish people and i was independent since 9. For years i was trying to fit in and i swear that was the hardest part of my life. That's because no matter how hard i tried, i still wasn't accepted and that crushed me. Of course there were friends who made my life better at that point of time. I am very grateful for their presence even up to now.

Eventually i became who i am now, sometimes i would see myself as an extremist. Having hurt since young, i could not stand any form of weakness now. I frown at weaklings. I pity those people who refused or are afraid to express themselves. I say things or do things without sparing a thought for others sometimes. If you are reading this and happened to feel this way too. I would like to apologize.But then i was not entirely that nasty all the time, if you know me. :3

To end this post, i would like to say I am really done with fucking trying to fit in.