Love.

This post is for people who are like me or those confusionist(okay i know this word doesn't exist) out there.

It all started with strangers, smiles, friends and finally something deeper. In the beginning he was sweet to the extent you felt like you were going to die of diabetes, then slowly laziness kicks in (because human, nothing lasts forever just like how i never have the will to make my bed all the time).

Conversations got less and less exciting and eventually boils down to "What are you doing?", "Wanna eat?" and "How was your day?" Everything eventually more and more mundane.

Previously when you both fought he will return at late night after he had calmed down, apologised for being such a jerk and talked like everything will be okay. Gradually, all you will receive are just cold shoulders (yes even now) or worst losing a status.

Love is like the most frustrating ever i swear. Being in a relationship is like a package. It consists of both the good and the bad stuffs. You have a choice remember and that is either you will brace the good stuffs in a package and let the bad stuffs collect dust or the exact opposite.

I had been through a lot of shit. Love was the best experience i had in my life because it has been toying my feelings like a roller coaster bitch. Sometimes i felt like i'm living in sheer bliss and sometimes i felt like omg-i-can-punch-you-in-your-face. Ultimately, love had taught me to love myself more than anyone. Because your partner will not be there for you all the times, yes face the facts and there were definitely times he will place himself before you. Things you do might just go unappreciated and you will end up pondering "why the fuck do i even bother when he doesn't give a fuck."

I want to be a doctor. I also want to be a villain. My two goals in life are such an irony i know. I just don't want to get hurt and yes i am bitching about my boyfriend openly here because he doesn't give a fuck even though many months ago i told him i have a blog. :D Wait, no i didn't quarrel with him earlier. It's just me accepting the facts and i really shouldn't give a fuck.

The worst disease on earth.

It's not genetic disease like lupus or mutation causing cancers. It's stubborn.

Mumsy admitted to having a benign tumour in her intestines 2 years ago and she felt something wrong with her bowels these days. But the 'disease'-plague mumsy refused to go for any checkup. Oh well i wish i can drug her and bring her across the street. But no, as much as i am aspired to be a villain i can't bring myself to do that. Gahhh.

International Nurse Day.

So, happy day nurses!

For this one day, i am proud to be a nurseCLINIC ASSISTANT because i got my reward too. HAHAHAHA!

I've been working for 5 years and 3 months to date as a Clinic Assistant. WOW!

Life has been alright so far. I got to admit i have quite a number of people i am thankful for especially school and kids are making my life miserable. I have not seen my clique for months and i am missing them already. This saturday will be good. :D

August is going to be so hectic with school, kids, work and volunteering services. I'll try to share some love around.

On a side note, i am still sick and on my second dose of antibiotics. Yesterday, Liu bought me lunch and took shuttle bus just to buy me alisan tea. Yay love! :D

Growing up.

"I am currently 'torturing' kids"

That's how i always describe what i do now. Each time i look at them, i wonder what is it feel like to be like them.

Approximately a decade ago when i was about their age, i contemplate what does it feel like to be an adult. I yearned to grow up, yearned to earn, yearned for much more freedom, yearned to purchase whatever i was not allowed to at that point of time.

A decade later, i sometimes wished i had the chance to do it all over again. Being a kid, I had loads of homework (yes definitely, which kid does not?), I was an introvert; afraid to speak and fear people notice me. I would say i pretty much did not quite enjoy my childhood. But back then, i laughed much more often. As a kid, everything in this world seem new and so every little thing seemed to amuse. I would want to change my childhood, i want to be a much happier kid.

I am not saying i am very unhappy with life. I am currently unsatisfied because each day does not really seem fulfilling enough. Sometimes i feel as if i am wasting each day because i have not seem to achieve anything significant enough. Am i the only one who feels like this?

Oh well, i kind of miss my poly life now.

Reality Check

Yesterday my dad took an article to me and urged me to read it. It was about this guy who dropped the chance to study humanities on scholarship to study medicine instead. It went on to tell how he eventually open his hospital and became a millionaire and so on. His children are studying medicine now too. It was supposed to be some form of motivation, yet instead i got so depressed that i broke down.

I am not sure why. I gave a thought and finally decided that it was my rampaging hormones which are behind this emotional roller-coaster ride. But no, not exactly.

Today, my family had some conflict. It's the same issue over and over again. Money. Money; the evil root of all cause. I am not sure if any of you, who is reading this right now, still see the digits in your bank account eventually dwindle to zero. I still do. I fear that all the time. I choose my studies on top of everything else. I earn only what is enough to get me through each month. I may have all the time and freedom compared to my peers but i definitely do not have the freedom to throw my money anywhere i want.

No, i was unexpectedly not one of the person in that conflict. But that incident had made me understood why i broke down. Money. Yes. I was envious. That guy was sending his two children to study medicine. His children are enjoying the life i yearn for but i could not have. His children have parents who can give them almost everything. Their parents are capable of sending them overseas to study.

So yesterday i feared that i will be screwed if i cannot get into the locals, because that will mean 'That's the end of my life.'. The reason i am living because i have a dream and goals in my life.

But what i am genuinely jealous for right now is that they probably didn't have to spend time quarrelling over money. Then again, i am not the only one right. Oh well. I hope the person who had invented money is dead. That person deserve to die anyway causing so many pain in human.

I hope the ones who said I'm too materialistic is reading this. If you had never been through what i have you will never know how it feels to be like me. It takes a poor to know what it is like to be rich, to have money and give what you could not have.

Irony.

I put my favourite song on loop. It's supposed to be a happy song but i got more upset each time it starts repeating. Why?

Simply, people change. The fact that reminding someone that he/she has changed does not change the fact that he/she had changed.

Oh well, just another wave of disappointment. Get over it!

Be Selfish, Always.

"Because everyone else is selfish."

I have been repeating this phrase to myself over and over again because people around me take no hesitation to prove that right, even my dear loved ones.

But i had learnt from this phrase. No, it's not exactly the ugly side of homo sapiens but something more in-depth. (As far as you are concern, i am not that shallow.)

There are very few people who can make me feel vulnerable and minute. One of the very important person in my life made me understand the greater meaning behind that phrase,"Be Selfish, Always.". He's the only person who gave me incessant bouts of disappointments (unfortunately) that ultimately, i learnt something from it. The greater meaning behind that phrase is

"Do things for others at the expense of your own happiness."

Two weeks ago, i helped a stranger move her groceries into the lift despite the fact that she had gave me the wrong directions.

Last week, i offered to share my umbrella with a stranger on the long stretch of road to school.

I am selfishly happy.

后来后来

我们从望着星空聊天 
到后来疯过多少彻夜
到现在已禁不起熬夜 
日子飞奔的得像眨眼

你那时爱的不听谁劝 
担心你却气到快翻脸
后来才学会替你擦泪 
成熟了笨拙的从前

请继续陪伴我　下半个未来
我们天天更新 最美好片段
不管什么句点 企图打断连载
我们要一辈子 有后来后来

把幻想追逐得像梦想 
后来有我们彼此护航
后来还一起逆风破浪 
接着找新的梦幻想

没想过我们时间的墙 
像一道会蔓延的画廊
墙上挂满回忆的萤光 
一凝望就泛红眼眶

请继续陪伴我 下半个未来
我们天天更新　最美好片段
不管什么句点　企图打断连载
我们要一辈子　有后来后来

仿佛还在昨天初次见面
也许还能游行亿万光年
我们像观众对自己收看
比全世界好奇每个后来

请继续完整我　缺页的存在
我还要预约你 生命的花开
故事等着我们 热切培养灌溉
就约好一辈子 再后来后来

After so many years, after their marriage, S.H.E is still one of the rare bands who is able touch my heart with their songs. :)

Behind that facade

"Levon, why are you always so happy?"

This question still lingers in my mind every now and then. It was one of my ex-colleagues had who asked me a couple of months ago.

Actually i do have quite a number of issues. It's just that I am not good at expressing dejection and i prefer to 'escape' from problems i cannot solve at the moment rather than allow them to ruin a day i can seize to have fun.

One of the questions i am afraid to respond is,"Are you Okay?"

It's a simple yet difficult question. To put it simply, it's just a yes or no.. But the explanation that follows is always a problem. How do you share your problems without affecting your ego or changing perceptions of yourself in somebody else's mind? Like i had mentioned, I have a unique personality from most i know and definitely a very different perspective of the world. Most people won't for sure. I am done with fitting in, but acceptance is still an essential element to me.

I am not an emo faggot don't get me wrong. If being happy makes others happy, why not? It's a win-win situation. :)

8 minutes to 2013

8 minutes to 2013, the start of something new. I watched these fireworks every year and it feels just the same every year. The first 8 minutes of a new year, who are you with? What were you thinking? What do you hope for and what do you want after it has ended?

8 minutes. I feel emptiness crept into me. I stared into the fireworks for that 8 minutes, wishing for something more exciting after each firework had blasted. Perhaps i was secretly hoping life could be better because 2012 was not as memorable as i had hoped.

December had come to an end and that 8 minutes of fireworks sparks a new lifeyear.

2013 please be good.